"A Tale of Two Johns: Part Two"

Not too long ago, I presented you all with the first fruit of my labors, Part One of the fascinating saga of not keeping it in your pants, "A Tale of Two Johns", dealing with Democrat John Edwards. I now bring you Part Two, dealing with Republican John Ensign.

And what a fascinating part this is.

"I go by the name of the King Adrock..."

Senator Ensign released a statement on June 16th of 2009 that announced that he had been having an affair sometime in the period between December 2007 and August 2008. On the same day, his wife issued the traditional political wife's "I love my husband and we're working out the problem", as if it's something as benign or innocent as him leaving his boxers on the floor or not rinsing out his coffee cup. So far, nothing out of the ordinary. Woman he had an affair with? On his campaign staff. He resigns from his unpaid leadership position in the Senate Republican Caucus. Still par for the course so far.

However, things get juicier when it turns out that the woman's husband is also on the Senator's staff. The husband had sent a letter to Fox News prior to Ensign's announcement. It turns out that Ensign had continued to go after the woman even after people like Senator Tom Coburn (R-Okie) had told him to stop. Senator N-Sync, it turned out, had his parents give the woman, Cynthia Hampton, and her husband $96,000. He also gave their 19-year-0ld son a position on the RNC payroll as a "policy consultant".

"I don't wear a cup nor a jock...I bring the shit that's beyond bizarre..."

Weird enough for ya, yet? It gets even more weird.

It turns out that Senator En-Side is a member of a secretive Christian political organization informally known as The Family (more on that possibly later). Anyway, the Family intervened and told him to stop. With the help of Senator Cold Burn, they essentially kidnapped Senator En-sipid and made him write a letter ending the affair. At some point Senator Encinal got away and phoned Cynthia and told her to disregard the letter. The next fucking day(!!!!!) he flies out to Vegas to be with her!

And he voted for the impeachment of Bill Clinton!

Why his affair matters

It's for basically the same reasons as John Edwards, only more so. The GOP, and Senator Ensign, have made family values and traditional living and all that other neo-Fifties crap a part of their platform. They impeached Clinton for lying about a blowjob. They harp and harangue about this sort of shit...and then they get caught with a prostitute. (However, as long as the prostitute or person is female, tis okay).

Also, it's not just the affair itself, it's the intervention of The Family (sounds Mafia-esque). I know that teachers everywhere will hate me for this, but use Wikipedia to look up The Family. Ties to third-world dictators, belief that members are above the law...it's downright eerie.

Political Prospects

I'm gonna have to say that En-sightful is lucky to keep his Senate seat, and that any hope of higher office is squelched...at least until people forget. Which they've probably begun to.